Excuse ME?

By Janet Paleo

We have all done it. And to be honest, we will most likely continue to do it.

What is it, you may be asking?

We make excuses instead of taking responsibility.

I learned this lesson when I was 16 years old at my first job. It was automatic. My boss asked me about something I was supposed to do and, instead of taking responsibility for not doing it, I gave him an excuse. He stopped me right there. He told me:

“I don’t want to hear why you didn’t do it. I want to hear when you’re planning to resolve the issue that arose from not completing the task you were assigned.”

I was floored. I had good reasons why it didn’t happen. Why wouldn’t he just listen to reason? And I will admit—I felt guilty and ashamed that I hadn’t done what I was tasked with. Then I realized that reasons or excuses did not add up to the work being done. I needed to own up to the impact my lack of action had on the company and on him.

It was a valuable lesson—and one, I must admit, that I have needed to keep learning.

Another time, after my two-year hospitalization, when my daughter was older, she kept reminding me that I wasn’t there for her teenage years. I responded with reasons: I was in the hospital. I was held against my will. I couldn’t leave.

Great reasons, right? Not my fault.

And when I finally got out, it took two more years of fighting in court to get her back. I did what I could.

Still not my fault…right?

My reasons made no difference.

I finally came to realize that I was not owning up to my responsibilities. I confessed to her that I was not the mother she wanted or needed me to be. I wasn’t even the mother I wanted to be. I had let her down and left her in the care of others—that is what happened, regardless of the reasons.

Once I took responsibility and apologized for the impact on her life, we finally moved through a painful time when life had not gone the way either of us wanted. And to be honest, I think she finally felt heard.

If you find yourself saying “because” a lot, you may be leaning on excuses or explanations for why something didn’t happen or why you didn’t follow through. Reasons and excuses can pull you out of integrity. The other person may accept your reasons, but you are left knowing you didn’t do what you said you would do. It doesn’t matter if you forgot or had an emergency—the excuses still take you out of integrity, and life starts to go a bit awry. The more often we rely on excuses, the further out of integrity we become.

Life simply does not go well when we are out of integrity.

You may fool everyone else, justify anything you want—but you know, and your mind knows. Happiness, contentment, and peace have a hard time surviving in a life lived out of integrity.

• The good news is that it’s simple to restore integrity.

• Apologize for the impact your lack of action caused.

• Then negotiate how you can remedy the situation, if possible.

This is a tried-and-true method for returning to integrity. Alcoholics Anonymous has used this concept for years. It is Step 8:

“We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Once you make amends and take responsibility, there is an experience of freedom—almost a Teflon effect. The feeling is peace, relief, and the beginning of restoration.

But there is one person we often overlook when making amends:

ourselves.

• Where in your life have you blamed yourself for something you did or how you reacted?

• When have you stopped yourself from living a full life because of fear or anxiety?

• Where have you put yourself in harm’s way—succumbing to peer pressure, temptation, or the desire to fit in?

Most of us have these moments.

Here, too, we must take responsibility and make amends.

Making amends to ourselves may look a bit different than the amends we make to others, but it is just as important. First, we must acknowledge where we have limited ourselves, harmed ourselves, or treated ourselves poorly—whether verbally, emotionally, or physically. Then we must create a resolve to alter our behavior.

This is often harder than making amends to others, because we must watch ourselves closely and recognize those automatic patterns of self-talk and behavior. They have become habits—deeply ingrained, familiar, and persistent. But the good news is: they can change.

It begins with noticing.

With altering our thoughts, our actions, or our beliefs—because each one influences the others.

• Change your thoughts, and your actions begin to shift.

• Change your actions, and your beliefs follow.

• As we make amends to ourselves, restore our integrity, and bring ourselves back into alignment with who we want to be, we discover something extraordinary:

• There is no longer a need for excuses or reasons.

• You begin to stand tall.

• You become almost unrecognizable—to the world and even to yourself.

When we stop offering excuses and start offering truth, something remarkable begins to happen:

• life slowly starts to open back up.

• Integrity is not about perfection—it is about alignment.

It is the quiet, steady return to who we truly are, to what we value, and to the person we are becoming.

• Each time we make amends, each time we tell the truth, each time we choose responsibility over reasons, we stitch back together something that may have felt torn within us—our relationship with ourselves and with life.

• When excuses fall away, clarity appears.

• When responsibility rises, shame begins to loosen its grip.

• And when integrity returns, peace follows.

All those years ago, my boss taught me that I didn’t need a reason—I needed a plan.

Years later, my daughter taught me that reasons don’t heal impact—honesty does.

• So the next time you hear yourself starting a sentence with “because,” pause.

Take a breath.

• Choose courage over explanation.

• Choose responsibility over reasons.

• Choose integrity over excuses.

And trust this:

every moment offers you a new chance to step back into alignment, make amends where needed, and reclaim your power.

You will begin to stand taller.

You will become almost unrecognizable—to the world and even to yourself.

This is what it means to live in integrity—and nothing is more powerful than that.