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You are The Expert

Tue, 14 Apr 2026 22:30:43 GMT

Who is the expert? Is it the person with the degree, the clipboard, and the carefully chosen language—or the person who has lived through the storm and found their way back? For generations, we have been taught to look outward for answers, to trust authority over experience, while the people most affected are often spoken about instead of spoken with. Yet expertise does not come only from textbooks or training; it comes from resilience, from trial and error, from learning what it takes to survive and still hope. This story begins with a simple but radical idea: that wisdom is not only taught—it is lived.

I have witnessed this repeatedly over the last month or two. People are being told to “listen” to the experts—experts who do not allow the person any meaningful input at all. They define the goals, set the limits, and decide what is “realistic,” often without ever asking the person what matters to them. They tell people what to believe and who they are allowed to become. And I will tell you this: no one knows you like you know you.

People will tell us that we cannot trust our own minds. I was once told I had a “broken brain”—language that reduces a human being to a defect. That belief shaped how others treated me, and for a time, how I treated myself. I believe we can trust our minds. Often, the problem is not that our thoughts or behaviors are meaningless, but that the people engaging with us do not know how to understand them. They do not see that whatever we are doing—however confusing or frightening it may appear—is a way to survive, a way to make sense of a world that often does not make sense.

When others believe they have our answers, expertise turns into manipulation and control. And under pressure, many of us give in—not because it is right, but because it feels like the easiest path. The consequences, however, are enormous.

You wind up in hospitals, wondering if you will ever get out. You lose your voice. People talk at you, not to you. The more this happens, the more you may retreat inward. And then the system responds, “See? We were right.”

When someone tells you that you are not thinking clearly, they may be right—from their point of view. But there is always a reason we do what we do, say what we say, or appear to lose control. All behavior has a purpose. Others may not see the purpose of lying in a fetal position or screaming at the top of your lungs. Systems often prioritize comfort over understanding, compliance over curiosity. They want the behavior to stop so they can be comfortable—not necessarily so the person can heal.

When I was attacked and left for dead, I got myself home. I told no one what had happened. My mother believed it was always the girl’s fault if she was attacked, so silence felt safer. No one could figure out what was “wrong” with me. I would not—could not—leave my bed. A doctor decided I must have mononucleosis, even though the tests did not support that conclusion. It took six weeks before I could finally get out of bed. They could not see—or speak—the language of trauma.

What looked like illness was trauma. And what they tried to erase were the very responses that had kept me alive.

Often, people just want symptoms to disappear because symptoms make others uncomfortable. Yet those same symptoms are what allow us to survive what we have endured. Taking them away without understanding where they came from—and without replacing them with safer, healthier coping strategies—can leave us vulnerable, frightened, and misunderstood. It can even lead someone to question whether they want to remain on this earth at all.

Expertise without relationship becomes power over, not power with. When people are excluded from decisions about their own lives, harm is often labeled as help. The question we must ask is not how quickly someone can be fixed, but how deeply they can be understood.

Never give your power completely to another person. Always retain your voice in what happens to you. If you do not fully trust your mind, seek opinions—but understand that the choice is ultimately yours. Because even if you follow someone else’s advice and it does not go well, you are the one who will live with the consequences. That means you deserve the authority to choose.

And if your choice does not turn out as you hoped, you have learned something valuable. You now know what not to do next time. These lessons matter. They are how we grow. Each one strengthens our voice—and strengthens us.

So who is the expert?

The expert is not the loudest voice in the room, the title on the door, or the person holding the chart. The expert is the one living the life. The one who knows what hurts, what helps, and what hope looks like from the inside. When we honor lived experience, we do not reject professional knowledge—we complete it. Healing begins the moment people are no longer spoken over, but listened to. And that is where real change begins—when we finally listen.

Excuse ME?

Fri, 13 Feb 2026 21:49:19 GMT

Excuse Me?

By Janet Paleo

We have all done it. And to be honest, we will most likely continue to do it.

What is it, you may be asking?

We make excuses instead of taking responsibility.

I learned this lesson when I was 16 years old at my first job. It was automatic. My boss asked me about something I was supposed to do and, instead of taking responsibility for not doing it, I gave him an excuse. He stopped me right there. He told me:

“I don’t want to hear why you didn’t do it. I want to hear when you’re planning to resolve the issue that arose from not completing the task you were assigned.”

I was floored. I had good reasons why it didn’t happen. Why wouldn’t he just listen to reason? And I will admit—I felt guilty and ashamed that I hadn’t done what I was tasked with. Then I realized that reasons or excuses did not add up to the work being done. I needed to own up to the impact my lack of action had on the company and on him.

It was a valuable lesson—and one, I must admit, that I have needed to keep learning.

Another time, after my two-year hospitalization, when my daughter was older, she kept reminding me that I wasn’t there for her teenage years. I responded with reasons: I was in the hospital. I was held against my will. I couldn’t leave.

Great reasons, right? Not my fault.

And when I finally got out, it took two more years of fighting in court to get her back. I did what I could.

Still not my fault…right?

My reasons made no difference.

I finally came to realize that I was not owning up to my responsibilities. I confessed to her that I was not the mother she wanted or needed me to be. I wasn’t even the mother I wanted to be. I had let her down and left her in the care of others—that is what happened, regardless of the reasons.

Once I took responsibility and apologized for the impact on her life, we finally moved through a painful time when life had not gone the way either of us wanted. And to be honest, I think she finally felt heard.

If you find yourself saying “because” a lot, you may be leaning on excuses or explanations for why something didn’t happen or why you didn’t follow through. Reasons and excuses can pull you out of integrity. The other person may accept your reasons, but you are left knowing you didn’t do what you said you would do. It doesn’t matter if you forgot or had an emergency—the excuses still take you out of integrity, and life starts to go a bit awry. The more often we rely on excuses, the further out of integrity we become.

Life simply does not go well when we are out of integrity.

You may fool everyone else, justify anything you want—but you know, and your mind knows. Happiness, contentment, and peace have a hard time surviving in a life lived out of integrity.

• The good news is that it’s simple to restore integrity.

• Apologize for the impact your lack of action caused.

• Then negotiate how you can remedy the situation, if possible.

This is a tried-and-true method for returning to integrity. Alcoholics Anonymous has used this concept for years. It is Step 8:

“We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Once you make amends and take responsibility, there is an experience of freedom—almost a Teflon effect. The feeling is peace, relief, and the beginning of restoration.

But there is one person we often overlook when making amends:

ourselves.

• Where in your life have you blamed yourself for something you did or how you reacted?

• When have you stopped yourself from living a full life because of fear or anxiety?

• Where have you put yourself in harm’s way—succumbing to peer pressure, temptation, or the desire to fit in?

Most of us have these moments.

Here, too, we must take responsibility and make amends.

Making amends to ourselves may look a bit different than the amends we make to others, but it is just as important. First, we must acknowledge where we have limited ourselves, harmed ourselves, or treated ourselves poorly—whether verbally, emotionally, or physically. Then we must create a resolve to alter our behavior.

This is often harder than making amends to others, because we must watch ourselves closely and recognize those automatic patterns of self-talk and behavior. They have become habits—deeply ingrained, familiar, and persistent. But the good news is: they can change.

It begins with noticing.

With altering our thoughts, our actions, or our beliefs—because each one influences the others.

• Change your thoughts, and your actions begin to shift.

• Change your actions, and your beliefs follow.

• As we make amends to ourselves, restore our integrity, and bring ourselves back into alignment with who we want to be, we discover something extraordinary:

• There is no longer a need for excuses or reasons.

• You begin to stand tall.

• You become almost unrecognizable—to the world and even to yourself.

When we stop offering excuses and start offering truth, something remarkable begins to happen:

• life slowly starts to open back up.

• Integrity is not about perfection—it is about alignment.

It is the quiet, steady return to who we truly are, to what we value, and to the person we are becoming.

• Each time we make amends, each time we tell the truth, each time we choose responsibility over reasons, we stitch back together something that may have felt torn within us—our relationship with ourselves and with life.

• When excuses fall away, clarity appears.

• When responsibility rises, shame begins to loosen its grip.

• And when integrity returns, peace follows.

All those years ago, my boss taught me that I didn’t need a reason—I needed a plan.

Years later, my daughter taught me that reasons don’t heal impact—honesty does.

• So the next time you hear yourself starting a sentence with “because,” pause.

Take a breath.

• Choose courage over explanation.

• Choose responsibility over reasons.

• Choose integrity over excuses.

And trust this:

every moment offers you a new chance to step back into alignment, make amends where needed, and reclaim your power.

You will begin to stand taller.

You will become almost unrecognizable—to the world and even to yourself.

This is what it means to live in integrity—and nothing is more powerful than that.

Don't Stop Believing

Tue, 16 Dec 2025 20:22:34 GMT

The holidays are supposed to be magical—but sometimes, they just hurt.

This time of year, there’s always a lot of talk about believing, hope, giving, and all the good things in life. We talk about love and new beginnings. But for many, the season brings something else: stress, loneliness, or disappointment. Watching all the festivities—the people who seem to have it all together, the twinkling lights, the perfect decorations—can sometimes make us feel even more hollow inside. You may even begin to wonder, Have I lost the feeling of the season?

I remember one December when that question hit me hard. I had just quit one job and started another, but it didn’t pay as much. I was struggling mentally as well. Money was tight, and my belief in anything was even tighter.

My daughter was in fourth grade, at a new school because of my job change. She wasn’t happy, and I was doing my best to keep us both afloat. Wanting to be honest, I sat her down and explained that there wouldn’t be anything special that year—no gifts, no fancy food, nothing. She looked up at me with somber eyes and said softly, “I know, Mommy. And it’s okay, because Santa won’t forget us.”

My heart tore in two. I just couldn’t tell her that might not be true. Her belief in Santa was unshakable, and I didn’t have the heart—or the faith—to take that away.

I was seeing a therapist, someone I drove two counties away to visit because it was cheaper than finding one nearby. I sobbed in her office, telling her how terrible I felt that I couldn’t give my little girl the holiday she deserved. She listened quietly and then said, “Don’t stop believing.”

“Sure,” I replied, my voice heavy with disbelief. I thought I knew the facts: I was a bad mom who was about to disappoint her daughter. My own faith in magic had vanished years ago, and I didn’t see how to get it back.

The next weekend, there was a knock at my door. When I opened it, a man stood there holding a large box. He looked at me kindly and asked, “Do you believe?”

I must have looked completely confused—half ready to slam the door or call for help. Then I saw what was in his hands: a box full of food.

“Pardon me?” I asked.

“I heard you and your daughter were struggling this season,” he said. “I have some things for you.”

“What? Who? What? Huh?” I stammered.

He smiled and handed me the box. “This is yours.”

“Thank you,” I managed to whisper. “This is… very helpful.”

“Hold on,” he said. “I have more.”

“More?”

I set the groceries down just as he returned with another box—this one filled with beautifully wrapped gifts. Tears welled up in my eyes. Could this be real? Was I dreaming? Then came another box, also full of presents.

I stammered, “No! This is too much! This can’t all be for us.”

He smiled again. “Are you Janet?”

“Yes.”

“Then this is for you and your daughter. Have a wonderful holiday.”

As he turned to leave, my daughter came into the room and asked, “Mommy, who was that?”

“That, my child,” I said, my voice trembling, “was Santa. You were right—he did come. I believe. And I will never doubt again.”

That year, we had the best holiday ever. There were two turkeys, a ham, and all the fixings. There were gifts for her—and for me. Every holiday season since, I give back whenever I can, often anonymously. I want others to believe in the spirit of the holidays. Whether it’s something small or something big, my hope is that no one ever stops believing—in themselves, in life, in hope, and yes, even in Santa.

I also learned something important that year: Santa found me because I spoke up. If I hadn’t shared what was going on, that miracle might never have come. So my request to you is this—let people know when you’re struggling. People can’t read minds. They can’t always help everyone, but many will if they only know you need it.

Most of all, don’t stop believing. Things can and will change. Nothing ever stays the same—and you can be part of that change. People, at their core, are kind and giving. Look for that in others, and you’ll find it.

Believe you are worth it—because I already know you are.

And when you do, the world just might send a little “Santa” your way.

Happy Holidays.

My Hauntings

Wed, 29 Oct 2025 14:54:43 GMT

October always makes me think about what haunts me—not ghosts, but the quiet fears that linger even when the lights are on. I’ve always been a bit of a scaredy-cat. So many things used to terrify me—being in social situations, sharing my poems or personal writing, even just stepping fully into life. For a long time, living itself felt scary.

Talking about the inner me was strictly off-limits according to my family’s unspoken rules. Back then, the world felt filled with things to fear. Today, those same fears no longer stop me, but they haven’t disappeared; they’ve simply changed shape. I call them my hauntings.

Where Fears Begin

A baby isn’t born afraid. We learn fear as we grow—through events, people, or warnings about what to avoid. Children naturally run up to anyone and start talking, until they hear about Stranger Danger. Suddenly, the world doesn’t feel as safe. We tell kids not to touch the stove, but many still test it—learning firsthand that fire really is hot.

Fear isn’t bad; it’s protective. It keeps us alive. Many of our fears start before we even have language—before we can remember how they began. But as adults, it’s worth asking: Is that fear still true today?

Being taught not to talk to strangers may protect a child, but as adults, that same belief can become a barrier to connection, opportunity, and joy. Those old lessons still whisper in the background—those are our hauntings.

When Fear Becomes a Haunting

Hauntings are sneakier than fear. They don’t freeze you; they just make you uncomfortable. They’re the small, familiar voices that say, You’re not good enough. People will judge you. You’ll fail again.

One of my hauntings is that I’m not good enough. In certain situations, that thought shows up as a cough—literally. I’ll start coughing, then worry people will think I’m contagious, especially since COVID. That worry makes me cough even more. I escape to the restroom, ride it out, and come back praying it doesn’t start again.

We all have hauntings, and there’s nothing shameful about them. Yours are unique to you, just as mine are to me. A haunting might not stop you from doing something, but it can make the experience less joyful, less free.

Learning to Live With Them

I’ve learned that exploring my hauntings helps me take away their power. Even simple grounding tricks help—like a cough drop. Focusing on the taste distracts me from the fear of being judged, and the haunting quiets down.

Recently, at a doctor’s appointment, a technician began asking personal questions that made me uncomfortable. Instead of shrinking back or people-pleasing—two of my old hauntings—I said calmly, “I’m not comfortable answering those questions. May I ask why you’re asking them?”

It turned out they were part of a Medicare assessment given once you reach a certain age. I chose not to answer. I didn’t cough. I didn’t feel inadequate. I didn’t feel compelled to please. For me, that was progress. Proof that hauntings can fade.

Maybe when I get old enough, they’ll vanish completely—but I’m not counting on it.

Fear vs. a Full Life

What I do know is this: not living a full life I love is scarier than any fear or haunting.

The truth is that living fully is scary. It means taking risks, trying new things, and stepping into unknown places. But the more you do, the less frightening it becomes. Growth itself chases the ghosts away.

Imagine jumping out of an airplane for the first time. Your heart races. Your mouth goes dry. You hear your mother’s voice in your head saying, “What do you think you’re doing?” You squeeze your eyes shut and jump—or maybe get pushed. The rush of air fills your ears, and for a moment, you’re flying. Then you remember the parachute. You pull, feel the jolt as it opens, and suddenly you’re floating—seeing the world from a new angle.

When you land safely, your first thought isn’t fear. It’s I want to do that again.

Life is like that. The more we step out of comfort and into courage, the more alive we feel. Fear doesn’t disappear, but it transforms. Each leap teaches us something new about our strength.

Making Peace With What Haunts Us

Maybe the goal isn’t to eliminate fear or banish our hauntings entirely. Maybe it’s to recognize them, understand them, and move forward anyway. To say, Yes, I see you—but you don’t get to drive today.

Hauntings will always whisper. But courage speaks louder.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Do something every day that scares you.” I think she meant: live boldly, not recklessly; stretch yourself; dare to grow. Because every time we face what frightens us, the haunting loses a little more power.

So get busy—and get scared.

BOO!

Reflection Prompt

What are the quiet fears that still whisper to you?

Are they still true today—or are they just hauntings ready to be released?

Fear Not

Tue, 01 Apr 2025 18:33:27 GMT

When worry and fear take over your life

Fear Not may sound like a strange thing to say in today’s world when everywhere you turn, you're told to be afraid. Be afraid of climate change, afraid of politics, afraid of cuts to Medicaid, afraid of being picked up or hurt because you look different, or... I could go on and on. And those are just the new things we are afraid of. We already had a laundry list of fears before these new ones emerged.

So how can I say Fear Not? Maybe I’ve lost it—or maybe not. Let’s take a closer look. Yes, there is a chance that all these things could happen. Yes, there is also a chance that none of these things will happen. Or, perhaps, some of these things will happen but to varying degrees. So, shouldn’t I be afraid?

First of all, what does fear actually get you? You worry, you plan, and you try to think about what you will do—but it may not happen at all. My mom always had a contingency plan in case something happened to my father. Even as a small child, I remember her making plans just in case Daddy was no longer there. Now, at the age of 91, with my dad at 93, they are still together, and my sister has moved in to take care of them. All those years of planning and worrying about what she would do could have been spent on other things—things like enjoying life, watching butterflies, reading good books, and truly living.

Fear-driven worrying and planning often aren’t helpful. Either things turn out worse than expected, rendering your plan useless, or only part of what you feared happens—and it’s not nearly as bad as you imagined.

Fear can keep you from truly living. When you become so enmeshed in worry, it becomes hard to see the things to be grateful for. It becomes hard to see beauty. It becomes hard to see possibility.

Fear is contagious. When you hold on to it and spread it to others—because, after all, they need to know the world is ending—it strains relationships. There is nothing worse than two people fighting for the last lifeboat. Rather than working together so both can survive, fear makes them think that if they’re the only one, there’s more for them.

And finally, dwelling on fear all the time will drive you insane—literally insane. If you must keep up with what’s going on, limit your time to 30 minutes or an hour at most per day. Then do anything that isn’t worrying. Plant a garden, take yourself to the movies, walk in the park, visit with positive friends—anything that shifts your focus. Don’t bring up your worries in conversation, and if someone else wants to talk about them, let them know the time you’ve set aside for that. Otherwise, you’re not participating in the discussion. It’s truly for your own sanity.

As a famous leader once said, We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And it’s true. There are people who want us to be afraid. People who are afraid are easier to manipulate. People in fear are easier to control because they stop thinking for themselves and start asking others to think for them. People living in fear begin to consider giving up. They think It’s too much, too hard, and there are no possibilities.

That’s what fear does to us.

I’m here to tell you: You are bigger than fear. You are stronger than worry. You are full of possibility.

The future is uncertain. You can’t prepare for every possibility. Do what you can, then let go and live.

Be a part of the world. Be a part of the solution and the possibilities.

Do not be led—lead.

Do not be afraid—find joy in gratitude.

Do not despair—find possibility.

You can—because you are you.

You have wisdom born of pain. You have already paid the price, and look how much you have gained. If you had to, you could do anything.

Those are lyrics from I Am Woman by Helen Reddy—and they are true.

We have been through so much. We can rise above this and help others find their possibilities as well.

Be good to you.

Accepting Life on Life’s Terms

Sat, 08 Feb 2025 18:04:11 GMT

Recently, I was reflecting on the topic of our journaling class, and one theme stood out: accepting life on life’s terms. To me, this means accepting myself—who I am and who I am not. I accept the good, the bad, and the ugly within me. I accept my peace and my anger, my size, my body, my health, my shoe size, my hair color, and everything else about me that is visible or known.

Acceptance doesn’t mean I have to like everything about myself. It means I stop fighting against reality, stop complaining, and stop criticizing myself. Acceptance is about acknowledging the truth as it is and then deciding where to make changes. Beating myself up doesn’t change anything; it only leaves me feeling worse. But when I accept myself as I am, I can focus my energy on the things I can improve.

This concept extends beyond me—it applies to accepting life itself. Life doesn’t always hand us what we want, and we don’t have to like it. But by accepting it as it happens, we give ourselves the power to respond. When we stop fighting against life, pretending it isn’t real, or endlessly complaining, we can find a path forward. Complaining without action drains us, leaves us feeling helpless, and harms our well-being. But acceptance restores our energy and gives us room to act.

Acceptance brings peace. When we accept what happens in life, we find peace. When we accept ourselves—flaws and all—we find peace. Fighting against life or raging against circumstances doesn’t change the situation; it only hurts us. We have choices: we can accept it, we can work to change it, or we can rage against it. Getting upset, angry, or worried only harms us—not what caused the upset.

Sometimes, we can do something: we can change laws, politics, or our own behavior. Other times, we must accept life as it is and seek the lessons within it. Life’s challenges can teach us patience, resilience, and growth. You can’t live a full life if you only accept the good and ignore the difficult parts. The struggles—the things we don’t like—are often the very things that help us grow. And when we grow, those challenges transform into gifts.

Of course, there are times when we can’t change a situation. In those moments, acceptance teaches us tolerance, endurance, and stamina. It isn’t easy, but it builds the foundation for patience. Meditation, for example, can help us let go of anger, criticism, and the need to complain.

I’ve learned this lesson personally. For many years, I was angry at my mom for not protecting me from my uncle. I believed she must have known what was happening, and I held onto that anger. But fifty years later, during a personal growth program, I was challenged to let go. The instructor said, “If you are alive and breathing today, your parents did their job. You need to thank them.” I resisted at first. I didn’t want to thank my mom. But I’d invested in the course, so I took the advice and called her.

That conversation changed my perspective. I heard her story, her truth. At twenty-two, my mom was overwhelmed—raising three children under five, with my dad working nights and attending college during the day. The two people she relied on for help had both died, and she felt abandoned. She believed she was failing.

When I thought about myself at twenty-two, I realized how hard her situation must have been. In that moment, I accepted her—who she was and who she was not. I could have held onto my anger and pain, but it only hurt me. By choosing to accept her, I found empathy, peace, and a path to rebuild our relationship. Today, we have a good connection, and I know she never knew what was happening.

To put this philosophy into practice, start by listening to yourself:

What do you complain about?

What makes you rage?

What are you angry about?

Accept what happened, then decide how to grow from it. Complaining keeps you stuck, but acceptance opens the door to growth and transformation. You always have a choice. Whatever is causing you pain or anger can be reframed as a learning opportunity—a chance to grow and strengthen yourself. This approach is not only more productive, but it’s also kinder to your mind, body, and spirit.

Life’s challenges teach us how to navigate, how to endure, and how to appreciate the good when it comes. Sometimes, the very things that hurt us the most turn out to be the greatest gifts.

Be good to yourself.

Understanding Me

Sat, 14 Sep 2024 15:10:16 GMT

I have a little saying I created using words. You cannot understand understanding until you first understand that you don’t understand. For only when you realize you don’t understand do you have the capability to understand understanding. Understand? I really love playing with words. For those of you who are scratching your head and saying “HUH?”, I will explain.

To understand anything, you must be willing and able to listen and be with that thing. If you think you already know, you will stop listening and be on to the next topic because you feel like you know this. Only when we take the time to be curious, take the time to really listen with our full selves and be with what is being said, or with the person saying it, do we even have a chance to understand who they are and what is being said.

In our fast paced world, our head uses lots of shortcuts. Unfortunately, many of those shortcuts leave us poorer, less informed and not as connected to others around us. When we are pulled in so many directions and by so many demands on our time, we use the shortcuts as it is convenient. It has you lose in the connection if you are not careful. I know several times I was talking to someone at PeerFest and they got distracted and I did not share what I had wanted to share. I felt invisible because people were not listening. They missed connecting with me and I know everyone of them would have been mortified if I told them how much they hurt me. Yet there were some who took the time to connect with me and I found that to be very gratifying. And for myself, I really worked at being present for every conversation I had with people. And I found I was not invisible as I had felt earlier. I was stronger than I thought and I connected with many. So , why does that feeling of being invisible, or that I don’t matter pop up so quickly.

I know it was an underling message so much in growing up. As someone said at PeerFest, if you are told you are nothing long enough, you start to believe it. In so many ways my mom gave this message. And mom is not telling me that anymore, but I am. So to understand me, I first must understand that I don’t understand me or how my brain works at times I realize I don’t take the time to really listen to me. I am not curious about how or why I do things. I just get mad at myself for doing them. What if I just sat and be with me? What if instead of looking for people to connect with me, I connected with myself. It is thought we are always waiting for the white knight to come rescue us. I have been doing that a long time. There are a few knights out there, but then they leave. The only one who is always with me is me.

This is not where I thought this article would go but for me it is better. And who better to take advice from than me to me. When those invisible feelings start to creep in, I am going to take myself to a quite place and listen to me. I am going to get curious about where I am going and just breathe and be with me. If the world doesn’t see me, that is their loss. As long as I can see me. That is what matters.

I hope this was helpful for you. I would entreat you to understand you. Everything we do has a purpose or we wouldn’t do it. Get curious about why you are doing or feeling the way you are feeling. Don’t allow yourself to give the flippant answer, but really explore with curiosity. Once you find it, then ask yourself, what am I going to do about that. Everything is a choice and we can choose to do nothing. But isn’t that what you have been doing all along? Maybe it is time to try something different. Give yourself the permission to explore understanding you. You are worth it.

Like on TV

Sat, 30 Sep 2023 17:23:20 GMT

I enjoy watching TV shows that depict home, family, and friendship dynamics. I have a fondness for mushy holiday movies and shows like "Friends," "Little House on the Prairie," and "The Waltons." Mysteries also captivate me, as characters embark on quests to uncover clues and solve crimes. Often, I find myself yearning to experience the kind of fun and adventures portrayed on TV.

The characters on these shows are depicted as vibrant and outgoing, frequently meeting up with friends for coffee or tea, engaging in thrilling escapades. They dance, sing, and throw spontaneous parties with gusto. Dressing up in various costumes and organizing theme parties, like a recent episode where they learned a Swedish dance and savored Swedish cuisine, brings them boundless joy.

Yet, I recognize that these shows are scripted and the actors excel at their roles. While I'm aware that this is a fictional world, I can't help but desire to be a part of it. However, as I contemplated further, I realized that none of the characters were ever portrayed as simply watching TV. At most, there might be a glimpse of someone playing a video game, with any TV-watching scenes usually segueing into romantic moments. The characters don't actually watch TV shows themselves, as that would be uninteresting and nonsensical. This realization underscored the contrast between my life and the scripted narratives on screen.

Delving deeper into my thoughts, I pondered whether my life is genuinely uneventful or if it merely appears mundane when compared to the scripted drama I consume. While I might not spontaneously burst into dance or attend frequent parties, I do engage in singing and embark on exciting adventures. So, why am I longing for what I see on TV? This introspection led me to an insight: it's not the activities themselves that I'm missing, but rather the sense of familiarity, community, and human connection that the characters enjoy. TV shows excel in portraying these bonds between people.

This is why I hold a special affinity for Prosumer meetings. These gatherings feel like family reunions to me. Given that I don't have a close relationship with my biological family, I've chosen to regard the people I meet at these gatherings as my chosen family. I cherish the uniqueness of each individual, appreciating them for who they are. Unfortunately, due to work commitments, I often have to miss these meetings, leaving me yearning for the connections I've established with my chosen family. These friends, with whom I share laughter and memorable moments, fill the void and make me feel truly alive.

Prosumers often emphasize the idea of life extending beyond our own minds. When we're confined within our thoughts, we might exist but not truly live. Similarly, being inside a TV show might be entertaining, but it doesn't equate to a genuine experience of life. Much like how negative self-talk can plague our thoughts, TV shows can perpetuate an unrealistic image of life. The truth is that life flourishes in the presence of others. It's not always about novelty and excitement; it's about the potential for both. Life isn't always cozy and familiar, yet it can be. What's certain is that life is never devoid of meaning. If it feels dull, it's likely because we're either stuck in our own heads or immobilized in front of screens. Recognizing this, I am committed to making a change. I'm determined to forge stronger connections, to truly live my life. I will venture out, engage in activities, and seize the opportunity to be a participant rather than a spectator. Perhaps, someday, those scriptwriters might find inspiration in my journey to live life to its fullest!

The Seeds of Life

Wed, 09 Aug 2023 19:24:57 GMT

The Seeds of Life

We see seeds all the time, everywhere. Sometimes in the food we eat and sometimes lying on the ground. You can even see seeds blowing in the wind like dandelion seeds. We don’t think a lot about seeds unless you are planting a garden or have those pesky dandelion seeds end up on your green lawn. Also, when cooking, you ensure the seeds are out of the peppers, so they aren’t so hot. Or ensure they are in because you like it hot.

And if you ever take a moment to look at a most seeds, they really seem unremarkable. They are usually hard, brown and come in many sizes, but they don’t seem special. Yet when given a good warm place to reside, some nourishing water, and yes, a bit of love, these unremarkable hard-shelled seeds can turn into beautiful flowers, great trees, and bushes. They feed many of the small creatures of the world including birds, and squirrels, insects and most living things. They feed us indirectly, such as with the honey made from their nectar, and they feed us directly, making up a large percentage of our daily diets. They are really quite remarkable, but they can only become remarkable, given the right conditions. Otherwise, they lay dormant never fulfilling on the promise they could be.

People who have been diagnosed are often seen like seeds. People think we are unremarkable, and sometimes even a bother. They do not see the potential in us because they do not see the damage done by labels and marginalization which keep us from having the conditions for us to express how remarkable we are. If we do not have a warm, safe environment, it is hard to begin to bloom. If we are not given nourishment of not only healthy food, but hope, respect, and connection, how can we bloom into remarkableness. And if we are not connected with others, loved and supported, how can we achieve greatness?

Just like the seeds, when we are given the right conditions, we can be the ones who feeds others.

I know for years I existed without blooming. I was fearful, anxious, and really did not like the harsh world. I felt I was being punished for even being alive. I spent so much time in hospitals, and in therapeutic settings, yet none of that gave me what I needed to bloom. I thought my life was useless and therefore I was useless. No wonder I spent so much time trying to die, to throw away that intrusive seed of my life. And I can tell you, many people saw me as useless. I was the “frequent flyer”, the one always in trouble, the one who was unremarkable. I have even been called the bad seed. I developed a hard outer shell to protect myself, but that shell kept me from growing into who I was born to be. So many thought I was not able to bloom and should just be put into a hospital for the rest of my life.

I got lucky. Really, through a series of accidents, I found an environment where I found the warmth, the nourishment, and the connectedness of others, and yes after a while, love. It was a process and just like a seed will not grow over night, neither do we. When I bloomed, I found I could feed others, connect with them, love them, and nourish them to also bloom. That is why I started Prosumers. We are here to assist you in finding a warm safe place for you to grow. We nourish you with information and hopefully provide you with a spark of hope. Most of all, we are here to connect with you and others, to provide an environment where you can bloom to your full remarkableness.

This month, I encourage you to find some unremarkable seeds. Give them the warmth, the good environment, the nourishment and the love so that they can grow. As your plants or flowers start to grow, I would encourage you to think of your own life. Are you missing something to help yourself grow. Do you need a better environment? Do you need more nourishment? Do you need hope and love? Prosumers is here to support you in whatever way you want to grow. It does take time, as you will see while waiting for your own seeds to bloom, but it is possible to bloom. And next time you see a seed or a person who is hard and crusty, I hope you take the time to realize, with a better environment, lots of nourishment and love, they too can be remarkable.

Who Are You Feeding?

Sun, 28 May 2023 20:59:37 GMT

You have a choice!

Last night I had a very realistic dream which had a great message and I would like to share it with you. Please note the story is not real. It is made up of the thoughts which converged in my head while I was asleep. In the dream, I was usually the person in the story although occasionally, I was an onlooker. I hope you enjoy my dream as much as I did. I call this dream, What Are You Feeding?.

The whole world seemed to be a tornado and I was the epicenter. Everything in life had erupted. I was angry, depressed, anxious and bitter. Oh so bitter! I had been doing some volunteer work, being a good citizen and a good person. Then a horrible event happened and although not hurt physically, I was left with the state I am in now. Why did I go? Why me? And since then, I have been left in this tornado of depression, anxiety, bitterness, and anger. I can’t seem to find my way out. People seem to be deserting me just when I need them most. Even the little I try to do, no one seems to be grateful for. Oh, they say the right words, but I can tell, they don’t mean it. Life is hard and dark. There is no relief.

I have tried everything and nothing is working. I went to a meeting and I was paired up with a lady in a wheelchair. She had the most beautiful smile and peaceful demeanor. I thought, life is not fair. She seems happy and content and here I am in my tornado. Why did I get paired with her? I am sure she is not going to understand me or what I am going through.

As per the instructions from the leader, we sat together to get to know each other. She started as I didn’t want to say anything. She had been a dancer and that was her passion in life. Then tragically a few years ago, she was driving and was hit by a drunk driver. She no longer was able to dance as she did because she was in a wheelchair. Today, she is a choreographer and people dance to her moves.

I stared at her. My mouth opened but the words would not come out. I finally muttered, “I am sorry that happened to you.”

She smiled, “Thank you. It has been the best opportunity for me to grow!”

She said it with such genuine and sincere words, that once again, my mouth hung open. Then she asked about me. I opened my mouth and all the bitterness came out. The tornado threatened to sweep us both away. I began crying and feeling foolish and angry. I ended with, “Life is just not fair! It is too hard.” And without thinking about what I was saying, I exclaimed, “I wish the damage to me was not psychological. I would rather have physical disabilities because there are things you can do for that.”

Almost the second I said it, I saw the shock on her face and I mumbled, “I’m sorry. I should not have said that.”

She looked me straight in the eye and said, “You don’t think I was damaged psychologically? Of course I was. I was so very angry, bitter and I hated the person who did this to me. I thought my life as I knew it was over and nothing good could ever happen again. Depressed? I could have looked the word up and my picture would be next to it. Yes, I understand and I have been there.”

Now I was curious. “How did you get to the peace and contentment that you have now?”

She looked at me and said, “I had to become grateful for what I have, not to be bitter about what I didn’t have. But more than that, I had to realize I was feeding the wrong wolf.”

“Huh?”

“I was told a story about a young native American who did a journey quest. Upon his return, he sought out his grandfather, a very wise man. Grandfather, he said, I saw within me two wolves. One was filled with anger, hate, bitterness and loathing. The other wolf was kind, peaceful, successful, and joyous. As I watched, the two wolves began to fight each other. The angry wolf seemed to be winning, yet the fight continued. The grandfather nodded. The young man then asked his grandfather, ‘Who will win? ‘The grandfather responded, The one you feed. And as I heard that, I thought to myself I am feeding the wolf who is making me bitter and angry.

Every morning I got up I thought about the accident and how much I hated the person who did it. Every second I thought about how my life was not going to be the way I planned. Every day my life was filled with anger, hurt and the dark abyss I had fallen into. I was feeding the wrong one. I did not even know if the other wolf was there, but I had to try to find it. It took on completely questioning my every thought, my every word, even my existence. Even all the pain from the accident which I complained about, I had to be grateful for that. When I notice I had fed the first wolf, I would pull the feeding back and change it to feed the second wolf. At first, the second wolf did not seem to be taking the thoughts and words I was giving it. But slowly, the appetite for the second wolf grew and soon I realized I was feeding the second wolf more. I was feeling happy and peaceful. Then I started thinking, how can I dance? As I danced in my head, I began drawing the movements and the steps. I showed my drawings to the people I had worked with and the next thing I know, I am dancing through other people.”

I looked at her and thought how many times a day I was feeding the first wolf. I thought about how many times a day, I felt I had to explain to people my limitations. I wondered if I had a second wolf. As all of that was processing through my mind, she said one more thing, “It is not the limitations of our mind or our body that stops us in life. Rather it' is the fear and the ‘What if’s?’ that limits what we do and what we can accomplish. When one can focus on what they want to do and where they want to go, great things can be accomplished.”

Then realizing the power of the last two statements, I awoke, looking for a way to capture the statement before it left me, as dreams often do. I know this was a story in my head, and some of it is things I have used in training. And dreams are parts and pieces of our life we have encountered. But this was a very poignant story, which reminded me, everyday I need to feed the wolf that I want to win. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.

I don't Want To Grow Up

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Sat, 26 Nov 2022 20:36:48 GMT

I recently experienced a birthday, which everyone does. However, after reaching the magic age of 65, each following birthday seems to be special. I never thought I would reach 65 and as another year gets added, I have the feeling of shock of making it another year. I know this may sound odd, but I am truly shocked when another year has passed. One of the most shocking things is, I still don’t feel like a grownup. I look at my face in the mirror and I look somewhat familiar but where did all those wrinkles come from. The hair is tinged with grey and has become thin. I can see remnants of what I used to look like, but inside, I am still a little girl. I am a bit more confident and a bit more sure of myself, but I don’t feel like a grownup. I keep wondering what will need to happen before I feel that way.

As I talk to friends, I find out they feel this way as well. Yet I can look around and I see lots of grownups. I wonder if they also feel like kids. I interact with people, and I feel like they are the same age as me and yet I find they are much younger. In fact, recently a close colleague was talking about taking care of her mom. I was empathetic and by chance I asked her mom’s age. She was only a few years older than me. I then saw my colleague could have been my daughter, or to put it another way, I could have been her mother. YIKES!! I must be old, right? But I still don’t feel like a grownup.

As I began exploring this phenomenon, I thought maybe if I had graduated from college I would feel like a grownup. I set off exploring this to see if others who had fancy degrees felt like a grownup and I am sad to report back, none of them said they felt like they were a grownup. Now, we all work and are well respected in our fields. We all do important things, yet inside they still felt as if they were a kid, just like me.

So, I sit here wondering how can I make the inside match reality? How can I feel the true confidence of a grownup? The wisdom grownups seem to have. The kindness and generosity of forgiving mistakes others make. The seemingly settled nature of being secure in life and having everything figured out. How do I get to those things?

Looking at my life, others might see those things in me, and I can acknowledge those things, as I can see them from looking from another point of view, but I still struggle to feel secure inside. It is almost like I am an imposter living within my body which outgrew me when I was not looking. I am secure about my income for probably the first time in my life. Although, I have been fortunate to always find ways of making money, I am at a point where I know money will be there and the question now is it enough to live on. Lack of enough to live on has always been something which has sent me sideways and into a dark space. And I believe everyone struggles with this, especially grownups.

Maybe, I am more grownup than I feel and maybe this is ok. I keep growing in my wisdom and learning with a beginner’s mind. Maybe this is what keeps me young inside. I love exploring things like a kid does. I want to have friends like children so easily seem to make. I want to remain nonjudgmental about people and trust everything will work out. I also want to trust that if the world goes sideways, there is someone (a grownup) who will be there for me and help me. I think I am beginning to realize how we feel inside is not an age, it is about retaining the spirit of wonder. It is about being uncertain in life and if you are living life, you will be uncertain. You have not done something; how would you know the results. This is a good thing and not something one should lose. As I write this, I realize there are a lot of people who because of our mental health system feel old, no matter their age, because they have lost the sense of wonder about the world. I am glad I don’t feel like a grownup! May I will always be uncertain of life and what will happen. This keeps life exciting. If you feel like a grownup and you know how life is going to go, do something about it. Go make a friend. Get out and find something which lights you up. Do something scary like find a job, ask someone for a date, take a vacation, write your book. Something that you don’t know what the outcome will be. Live with the uncertainty and trust everything will turn out. When we look for things to turn out, we are more likely to find that they do. Sometimes we like the outcomes and sometimes we don’t. This doesn’t matter. What you will find is the excitement and the wonder life will bring you. Good news, if you have been acting like a grownup, it is reversible!! YAY!! Go find the wonder and the joy in life. It is possible.

Is It Selfish or Something Else?

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Sun, 11 Sep 2022 16:56:45 GMT

Selfish or Something Else?

I was on a webinar today listening to Peers talk about the inward looking of people who have been labeled as they were being selfish and only thinking of themselves. How they were talking about themselves being selfish until they could learn to think of others.

While I applaud the growth, I think people need to be careful how they say things. One listening might think of themselves as being selfish, when looking inward is actually a result of being hurt. When you are in victim mode, thinking about how something would affect others is not your primary concern. You and specially your head are trying to keep you safe. Your head focuses on what it takes to keep you safe. This is the reaction many people who experienced a lot of traumas in their life have. Even if you wanted to, your head, specifically your amygdala, would not allow you to do so. Your amygdala can overrule your cortex or the reasoning part of the brain. I would ask you to consider, you are not being selfish, but your head is still living in fear. When living in fear, whether you are feeling it or not, your head is. It is looking out for you to keep you safe. Looking out or thinking of others is not your amygdala’s job. Keeping you safe is it’s only job and it does it day and night, even when we sleep.

When we have not yet found safety, it sounds a lot like, “What if ____ happens? Or What if they don’t like me? Or the dreaded, “What if they laugh at me?” We turn down opportunities for an amazing life due to the fear factor. We convince ourselves we don’t really care about connecting. We choose not to put ourselves out there, just in case. And on the rare occasion, you began to connect and do amazing stuff, your head can get scared and you will find yourself doing something you know won’t end well. One of the things our head can be fearful of is success. There is a saying, the more you stick your neck out, the better target you are for others.

How do people begin to be able to use their reasoning brain? It is very simple, but hard to do. One must teach their brain that you are safe. And before you can convince your head, you must begin to realize certain things. The first thing you might need to realize is that you are older and wiser than whenever the fear began to attack you. You have a voice now and hopefully know how to use it.

The second thing many of us need to begin is to change our language. Your head listens to you and it was from you that the amygdala learned from the things happening to you. When you put your hand on something hot and felt the pain, most likely you yelled OUCH and your head began to take notes that something hot can equal pain. Stay away from something hot gets recorded in your head. And it isn’t just physical pain, it is emotional pain as well. Asking someone special to be your friend as a child and they turn you down and you feel sad and go home crying. Your amygdala hears this and makes a note to not ask someone to be a friend. Wait and let them ask you. It is safer that way. So just as we trained our brain to keep us safe, we must now train it to recognize we are safe. Again, this starts with language and experience. You still may not want to touch anything hot, but you might be able to ask someone to be your friend and not be devastated if they say no. Self-talk is good practice in this kind of situation. Talking to your amygdala is a way of retraining your brain to not stop you from looking outward.

The third thing which is helpful, is to come to the realization that the more we focus inward, the more things hurt. While focusing inward, it is hard to move forward because you literally cannot see where you are going. How can you when your head and all your thoughts are focused on the past and what has happened to you so you can stay safe? Moving forward is very uncomfortable, yet it is the only way we grow. And you did not get here overnight, and so you won’t get out of here overnight. It will take time. Yet as you do the work to be safe and feel safe, amazing opportunities will open for you. Because you are finally looking at where you are going, you become aware of other people around you. These people now become part of your circle of friends. You begin thinking how something effects other people not just you. This is the movement when you can go from being a victim to becoming a survivor. As a survivor you stand upon your hurt which has you master the fear. While it can still take over at times, the more we can stand on it, the less power it has over us. As the fear of hurt lessens, the more we feel safe. The more we feel safe, the easier it is to be with others and begin to see things from others point of view. This takes us away from the constant monitoring of self and danger levels to being one who connects with others.

I would caution people in using the word selfish towards themselves or others. When we can realize it is a safety measure, we can give them some grace, as well as ourselves. And in not seeing ourselves as selfish, we can begin healing from the traumas and finding safety in having an amazing life with others.

Whose Reality?

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Thu, 30 Jun 2022 19:21:38 GMT

Whose reality do we live our lives by?

You heard it before, “Get real” which always means that whatever you are saying does not exist in the other person’s reality. We have talked about what is real in a lot of articles, trainings, and such, but today, I wanted to look at what we call reality. If you have ever been diagnosed, you learn very quickly to at least say your reality is in alignment with the majority of the population, or at least that is what we are led to believe it should be.

There are a lot of advantages for the world to believe that individual’s realities are in alignment with others, but it is simply not true. A person can live in the reality of believing they are not amazing. No matter how many people tell them they are amazing, and how many times they say thank you, deep inside they do not accept the reality of others. They believe they are not amazing, and many times may feel like a fraud because others tell them they are.

Yet in our funny world, people who believe they are amazing and reveal their reality are often labeled as well. Narcissistic is one of the favored labels yet there are the non-diagnostical labels as well, like stuck up, conceited, arrogant, snobby, etc. So we come away with the thought that we can’t think of ourselves as amazing. And if our reality in other ways don’t match what is considered “normal” all kinds of bad things can happen.

So, many of us try to conform and hide our reality to not get caught up in a web of having to match up to other people’s realities. We often accept their thoughts of us, good or bad. And the more we deny our reality, the more this leads us into hiding from the world in some form or fashion. So, what is a person to do.

What I have found helpful, is to understand my reality does not have to match another person’s reality. I concede that my reality may not fit what most people believe and that my reality may not be as accurate as it could be. I study both realities, allowing for either to be part truth or part made up. I may alter mine or not, depending on what is presented and I do try to keep an open mind.

Also, just because my reality doesn’t match yours, I don’t have to tell you. I can allow you to live the bliss of thinking we think the same way. I don’t have to let your reality upset or alter mine.

I have found the more centered I am in my own body, the more I know myself, and am honest with myself, I can acknowledge those things I like about myself and those things I want to work on. When someone comes up and calls me a name trying to get my goat, I can manage it. For instance, someone comes up and calls me fat, I can say, “Yes, I am. Was there something else you have to say?” Who am I to deny it. I know by the world’s standard, I am fat. Apologizing for it, or making excuses does no good and does not change the fact.

Think of the things people say to you. If it is kind or good, say thank you, even if you don’t agree. This is an occasion to look at how they see you and consider being able to see yourself in the same way.

If what they say is upsetting or unkind, say, “Thank you for your opinion.” If you don’t agree with what was upsetting, then add, “I don’t see myself that way. I am sorry you do.” Thus, putting their thoughts back onto them. If you do agree, then add, “Yes, it is something I struggle with. I apologize that it is upsetting to you.” And if you have no clue where this unkindness is coming from, you would add, “What is it that had you say that?”. Then become curious what about you had this person be so unkind. Often you will find the person was not reacting to you but to another situation that you reminded them of.

Let me give you an example: I hear a lot from people’s parents wanting them to go to work and they have the usual interaction:

“Go get a job and you will feel better.”

“I have tried working and it never goes well, and it makes me feel worse to get fired or have to quit.”

“You are just lazy!”

“I am not! You are just mean.” And you are off to the races hurling insults back and forth.

Let’s look at this from the tips we just talked about.

“Go get a job and you will feel better.”

“Thank you. I appreciate your concern.”

“I mean it! You are just lazy!”

“Thank you for your opinion. What would have you say that?”

“You have no skills and no ambition.”

“Again, thank you for your opinion. I don’t see myself that way. I am sorry that you see me that way and that it bothers you. Is there anything else you would like to say?”

This will either go on until the person realizes they cannot get your goat or they run out of things to say. As long as you keep calm and keep saying “Thank you”, you are the one in control of the reality and your sanity.

All of this takes a lot of practice. People believe there is one reality out there, theirs and their reality is the true reality. Everyone has their own reality. If they didn’t, there would only be one god, one opinion, one language, one Santa Claus. The world would be a boring place. It is all those various types of realities which can make the world exciting and sometimes scary.

When someone tells you to “get real”, say “Thank you. I am!” Always remember, knowledge is power. The more you know, about yourself, about people and what impacts them, what they do or even knowing how life works, gives you the upper hand and a chance to stay at peace in your own body and life. That is reality.

Get Up Stay UP

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Mon, 07 Mar 2022 21:43:49 GMT

A New Tool To Use

I don’t know about you, but this COVID mess is really affecting me. Back in December, I found myself becoming lethargic and my mood was considerably darker. Because of the work I have done, I know we have very powerful minds and I needed to come up with something which would alter what I was feeling. I started an intention for the day. Every morning (well at least most mornings) I create what mood I want to go through the day with. If I know I have a lot of work, I may create my intention as being focused. If I am aware of some anxious things like seeing a doctor, I may create my intention to be more light and freeing.

It may sound remarkable, but within two days, I noticed my mood was considerably lighter and I had more energy. I started sharing my intention with the Prosumer staff. This help keep me accountable and gave them an opportunity to create their intention for the day.

Then I started sharing with folks that I text regularly. And they started texting me their intention for the day. One of my friends that I usually talk to 3 or 4 times a week had not responded for a while about her intention for the day. During one of our calls remarked about her not being able to find a good intention for a few days. She said, “I thought of just get up and stay up, but that’s not a good intention!”

I responded, “Oh really?”

Then she realized it was the perfect intention. I like creating visions in what I choose, but really action ladened intentions are perfect!! I created a saying several years ago, “There is hope in action!” If you want hope, you must be in action. The more you are in action, the more hope you will have. If you answer your phone, you may get to talk to someone really great. If you go outside and get the mail, there are all kinds of things that could happen. Or at the very least, you get fresh air which helps you to heal.

In a couple of days, her intention was to “Let go! Walk on!” Again, very action oriented. In a previous article I talked about Joan Baez’s quote “Action is the antidote to despair!” This corresponds so nicely with my quote, and I think that people who have lived through a lot of despair and hopelessness, like myself and Joan, understand the importance of taking some kind of action. In creating an intention for the day, we are taking an action and declaring how we are going to be as that day unfolds. Get up, Stay up doesn’t mean you are going to run a marathon or get all the work done that you need to do. It simply means you are going to be awake for the day. And after being awake, you too may determine that there is more you would like to do. Depends on how much hope we are willing to generate or, looking at from Joan’s point of view, how much despair are we willing to let go of.

Also. the nice thing about intentions, is you can borrow someone else’s. So I want to share with you a few of my favorites.

My intention for the day is to be as a fluffy white cloud in a blue sky!

My intention today is to be thoughtful and forgiving.

Today my intention is be a sparkle in life

Today my intention is to acknowledge in all things I encounter, there is a blessing, a lesson, or a delight.

Today my intention is to dance gaily with life like no one is watching!

My intention is to be grateful for the opportunity to figure things out.

My intention for the day is to take the cup of kindness of the New Year and spread it generously.

My intention for today is to live boldly!

My intention for the day is to go with my heart.

I hope these few intentions of mine, spur you to create your own. Get others involved to help you keep you accountable. I believe if you create an intention and say it out loud, you begin to train your brain as to what is important for you. Even if you think you forget, your amigdala (Your Flight or Fight response) has heard you and takes you seriously about what is important to remember. Would you rather your head remember “I’m stupid” or “Today I am forgiving of all”?

Then keep track. Notice if in a few days, you seem lighter, happier, and maybe even more hopeful. I know it has worked for me and my friends. I am sure it will work for you as well.

So now the question is, What is your intention?

My Realization

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Wed, 16 Feb 2022 17:57:30 GMT

What is Needed in Mental Health Treatment

For years I have heard of flight, fight or freeze, as many people have. This is tied to our amygdala in our brains, designed to keep us safe. Our head uses our experiences and thoughts to predict danger so we can avoid that which is dangerous. Makes total sense, right? If I know putting my hand in fire is dangerous, when my hand gets close to fire, my head reacts. My head predicts the danger and has me put myself out of harm’s way.

We are also driven to make sense out of what happens to us, especially if it does not make sense. We will create a plausible explanation to make it make sense. And it does not matter how wild the story, as long as it explains what happens, we will hold fast to the story and sometimes, as we learn more, the story can grow. For instance, a long time ago, native people were out beneath a full moon. Slowly the moon begins to disappear. Not knowing what it causing the disappearing moon, the native people claim to be the cause. They must have angered the gods. To appease them, they made offerings. Then after almost disappearing, the moon begins to reappear. Whew, the people had been able to get back in the good graces with the gods. If we are the cause in an event which makes no sense, then we can do something to make that event not happen again.

When events happen to children, a child will blame themselves as being the cause. If I, as the child, am the cause then I if I am better, quieter, prettier, fill in the blank then maybe it won’t happen again. In this sense the control I have is a coping skill. If the event makes no sense, and I am not the cause, then it could happen at any time randomly. The world would have no predictability. Not being able to predict leaves one with a sense of a world which does not make sense. Humans are driven to make sense of the world, even if it is made up. If the world does not make sense then anything could happen at any moment. It would be as if gravity stopped being gravity. The panic, the despair, the loss of control, not being able to touch the ground. Even writing and thinking of this, I feel fear. With no gravity, would anything stay connected? Would we all be drawn into the universe where we would not be able to breathe? My sense of safety flees even as I contemplate this scenario.

What I realized is this is not just for children, this happens to all people. We believe we are the cause in someway for things that happen which do not make sense, and perhaps even those things that do make sense. We must be the cause. We have no choice. If we aren’t the cause it would be as if gravity ceases to exist. As I realized that, I remember those events which happened to me, I remember people telling me, “It’s not your fault!”

I had no other coping skill and the one I had, they were telling me was not correct. While I could understand on a intellectual level, I could not believe because it is the only way I could continue to be in control. I remember blaming myself for blaming myself, thus still remaining the cause, and having some sense of control of the event. I had no choice but to be the cause, or the world would not make sense.

Now having realized that I had to be the cause, and finding new ways of dealing with what happens in life, I can choose. This opened up a lot for me as I realized all of the times I made up that I was the cause, and how I thought I was a despicable person given that I was causing all those things to happen. I see now it was my brain trying to make sense out of what was happening to me. My brain was working to keep me safe, working to make the world a safe place, while maybe not happy, at least alive with some degree of predictability.

Then I thought about how many times I told people “It’s not your fault. You are not to blame! How could you be the cause?” I was telling them their reasoning did not make sense.

I was taking away their control, the ability to make the world make sense without offering any other coping skills. This is like asking “What is wrong with you?” instead of “What happened to you?”

This had me realize our way of treating people may not be adequate. Our system is often about taking away people’s control. This was part of the June 2017 United Nations report which states the mental health system must start allowing the people in services to be on an equal level as the professionals.

“At the clinical level, power imbalances reinforce paternalism and even patriarchal approaches, which dominate the relationship between psychiatric professionals and users of mental health services. That asymmetry disempowers users and undermines their right to make decisions about their health, creating an environment where human rights violations can and do occur. Laws allowing the psychiatric profession to treat and confine by force legitimize that power and its misuse. That misuse of power asymmetries thrives, in part, because legal statutes often compel the profession and obligate the State to take coercive action.” Report of the Special Rapporteur on the right of everyone to the enjoyment of the highest attainable standard of physical and mental health Section B. Power asymmetries Paragraph 22

The more the system takes away control, the more we must make it our fault to have some control. So it makes it harder to recover because we push our sense of worth down further until we feel like the worst person in the world. Why shouldn’t bad things happen to the worst person on earth? Of course I deserve it, I have to so the world makes sense.

Maybe it is time to look at how the system works. Perhaps the type of treatment and therapy needs to be changed. Understanding how we have to make sense of the world, and how we tend to blame ourselves when nothing else makes sense as a means of gaining control, could give us the self awareness to begin our journey of healing and recovery. Maybe when this happens, we can finally realize, maybe we are not as bad as we think we are. I am beginning to realize that now. I hope this helps you too.

What I Learned About Me By Wanting to Die

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Wed, 10 Nov 2021 23:09:52 GMT

This was a story was written for a contest by the American Suicidology Association, which I did not win. But I hope the story is helpful to you anyway.

Before I even knew the word, I had a plan to die. I had not even reached my 5th birthday and I had a plan to take the pain out of my life. My first plan was based on my mother’s instructions about my safety. She told me if I played out in the street, I would get hit by a car and go to sleep forever. That sounded like a great solution to free myself from the harm I was receiving at the hands of my uncle. When I slept, I was not being hurt.

What I learned then and now is that children, even very young children, consider dying by suicide. And because children don’t have a word for it, adults often miss the message. My experiences at such a young age laid the foundation for my interpretation of the world. I wanted to find out if there really was anything worth living for. As I was growing up, fun things occasionally happened. I would ask myself, “Was this it? Was this worth living for?” The answer was always “No!”

I lived my life in this question looking for something worth living for. What I found were people who seemed to know I was a victim and therefore, they victimized me more. Or maybe I put myself into those situations where they could hurt me. When you grow up feeling you are worth nothing more than being hurt, there is no surprise when people hurt you. This validated my reality of a world of pain and my role in that world.

There were unexpected hurts, even in this mind set, which further shattered my life. I was knocked off my bicycle on a lonely road as I was headed for the mall. When I came to; brush and weeds covered my body. I believe the person thought they had killed me. Many times, I wished that had been the outcome. I walked my bike to a gas station to clean myself up. I went home and told no one. My mother used to say, “Girls who get attacked are asking for it.” So, I retreated into my bedroom for the next 6 weeks. No one could figure out what was wrong with me, not even the doctor. I would not speak about this event for the next 15 years of my life. Yet the experience was a living shadow of how the world was.

As I grew older I continued to be hurt and actually put myself in harm’s way, so I would have some control. I had a baby, a baby I loved from the very depth of my being, yet even my love for her could not make me love my life. The very act of keeping her made me feel selfish. She deserved so much more than me. I was not a good mom, but I did work to protect her from people who could hurt her. As a single mom, I worked all the time and she was raised by people who were better than me. I was a good provider and protector but I didn’t know how to be a good mother.

I continued to try to find something that could make me feel life was worth living. My thought was if I could find that something, then there would be a way out of the hopelessness of my life. I began to believe life could never change. My thoughts of dying escalated and the methods ranged from quiet desperation to vivid, boldly bloody actions. So bold were my thoughts, when talking to my therapist, she thought I should see a doctor. The day I saw the doctor began a new struggle in my life because that day, I became part of a mental health system. I was hospitalized within hours of seeing the doctor. I would stay in a hospital for the next two years of my life. I was told I was too much of a danger to myself to ever live outside the hospital walls. And yet, what they did for me, did not seem to help either. In fact, inside the hospital is where I began to put my thoughts into actions. Here I learned hospitals cannot keep you safe either. It is only an illusion.

At one point during my hospitalization, I remember asking God why he hated me so much. Why didn’t he just love me a little bit and let me die or better yet never be born in the first place? And while I don’t expect you to believe this, because I would question it if I hadn’t been the one experiencing it, my hand began writing a note to myself in my journal. It was in old English and basically said, “You cannot lead my children out of their pain and misery until you experienced it first.”

I was outraged!! I didn’t want to do that! And I didn’t want to go through what I had in my life to do that. Now I was angry at God. How dare he let all those things happen to me purposefully. How could he be called a loving God, a Father?

In the next few days, I began collecting the strings which the hospital linens were bundled in. Although there was a person always with me and watching me, I managed to collect enough string to weave into a rope. My plan was to create a tourniquet around my neck, secure the handmade rope with a pencil so it would not loosen as I lost consciousness. What I didn’t know to plan for is my body convulsing as I lost consciousness. The person who was watching noticed. I don’t really remember what happened in the next couple of hours, but I was told the string rope was so tight around my throat, they could not unwind or cut it. I was rushed down to the ER on the first floor and my life was saved. I was angry that even after I told God I was not happy with his plan, he did not allow me to die. I felt even more betrayed.

After being in the hospital for two years, I was tired. I had participated in everything they told me to. I had taken all the medications they asked me to. I had played all the games and yet nothing was different within me. I still did not find anything worth living for, but I knew I did not want to die in here. So, I lied. I made up stories of how much I loved my life. I said I had a job waiting for me on the outside. I said I was getting married and, hallelujah, I was cured!! I had to go to court to be granted my freedom and I reiterated all the same lies to the judge. He too seemed to believe me, and I was freed from the psychiatric hospital, or so I thought.

My new plan was to move my daughter and me nearer to my grandmother and hide away from the world in my home. I figured if people could not see me, they could not hurt me and could not put me back into a hospital ever again. However, I really did want my life to be different. I wanted desperately to find something worth living for. Since I had been told the medications would help me, I found a doctor and continued getting those meds. I had case workers who would come to my home because I would not leave. During the next ten years, I found myself hospitalized over 50 times. I knew enough to not let the professionals really know how I felt or thought. I knew truth only kept you locked up. In being truthful, I would never get out of the hospital again. I was in just long enough to get a second wind and get back home to hide.

Then one day, there was one case worker who came to my house and changed my world. I don’t remember exactly what she said. I couldn’t even tell you how many times she had come to see me before that day. But on this one auspicious day, she did something no one had done in all the times I had been in treatment. She validated my pain as only someone who experienced such pain could have. She had an experience of depression when her child died shortly after birth. That loss sent her into a chasm of pain where she struggled to find a way out. She was a peer. Then she told me how strong I was, for the very fact I was still breathing after all I had been through. While she would never know the depth of my pain, she knew the depth of hers and she validated the experiences of pain in my life. For the first time, I felt like someone knew what it was like to be me.

She moved upwards in her career, and I went with her as her volunteer. I could not let my connection with her end. She was the motivation to leave my home. Then I was asked to become more active by sitting on committees, being on boards and becoming an active member of my community. I had spent almost ten years hiding from the world plus the two years in the hospital, and I was finally beginning to see that just maybe I had a place in this world besides being someone to hurt.

Soon after, my daughter had my grandson. I was in the delivery room with her and a miracle happened. The moment I saw this precious baby, my head screamed, “This was worth living for!” I finally found something worthy of living for. All the things that happened to me were worth going through to be here for this moment. My next thought was no one should have to wait 42 years to be glad to be alive. My passion to have people realize life was worth living was born. This became my life’s path. I knew those words written to me in my journal were true. I knew there was something I was supposed to do in the world.

Once I knew I had a place in the world, I began to work with the mental health professionals more vigorously. I learned how I was feeling from the way I fantasized about dying. Those feelings I could not define, were an expression of my emotions. Vivid, boldly bloody was an expression of angry hurt and I wanted everyone to know. Quiet desperation was an expression of the hopelessness and trapped feeling usually centered on loneliness. I learned I had a right to say NO and the NO was to be respected. On the one occasion when I died for a few minutes after an attempt to take my own life, I learned I was more than my body. I had a soul and a purpose. I learned I had value and was not placed on earth to be hurt by others. I learned that the message given to me by God was right. Just like my caseworker helped me by telling her story, I too could help others by telling mine. I found I could even change systems by telling my experiences within those systems. So much of what we call mental illness is a reaction to trauma. I can give a real face to this. Countries began inviting me to speak at their conferences. I can see conversations about mental illness and suicide changing and I am a part of that change. I became a light out of the dark pain of despair.

What I now know, is all those events causing me pain and hurt molded the me I am today. I would not change any of them, even if I could. Why, might you ask? Because today I love me! I love that my story helps others heal. I love that I help lead people out of their pain, just as was predicted. God and I are on good terms, and I understand the why and am thankful for the wisdom. Today I love my life. I love the changes I make because of my life experiences. My life is full of passion and direction. I make a difference for myself and for others. While I will work to ensure no one would ever have to walk my path of pain, I am grateful to know, I was never walking that path truly alone. Today, I am no longer a victim. I am a survivor. I am the victor!

Picture courtesy of
Photo by Bud Helisson on Unsplash

Expectations

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Mon, 11 Oct 2021 17:25:23 GMT

Expectations by Janet Paleo

Unmet expectations are one of the three leading reasons for getting angry. The other two are thwarted intentions and undelivered communications. Expectations are one of those things we don’t intentionally think about a lot, although expectations are part of our everyday life. We expect when we flip the switch, the light will come on. We expect money will buy us things. We expect for our life to be pretty close to what it was yesterday, at least most of the time. When those things we expect don’t happen, it can cause a lot of upset. Can you imagine waking up and all US currency has been declared invalid? All your accounts, savings, etc. would be worthless. If your imagination is good, then you would recognize not only the anger but the despair which would result. Yet rarely do we even think to ourselves, “What do I expect?”

Upon reflecting about expectations, I realize our whole life really revolves around expectations which are not recognized by us. We expect there to be a daytime and a nighttime. We expect lights to come on when we turn on the switch. We expect for locked doors to be honored. We expect for people to be kind. We expect that justice and fairness will win out in the long run. We expect people to treat us the way we want to be treated. Are you getting a sense of how much we expect in life? We even expect to open our eyes every morning. We expect the world will be pretty much what it was yesterday. Then life happens and our expectations are thwarted. And whenever our expectations are thwarted, there is upset, or almost always.

But what can you do? How do you stop having expectations? Now to expect that you can stop having expectations is a near impossible request and to be truthful, you would never be able to. And if you could eliminate all expectations, if would be like waking up in a new world everyday. That also would not be helpful.

So, what is a person to do? First thing is to notice you have expectations. When you get upset at something, look to see if you had an expectation that did not get fulfilled. Did someone else get upset with you? Did they have an expectation of you that you didn’t fulfill? By noticing when we get upset or others get upset, we can realize the upset for what it is. Sometimes we have expectations that were only created by us, not another person. When we can realize it was our expectation, we can do something about it. Upon realizing a person created an expectation, then we can have a discussion about it.

The other thing we can do is realize we can have expectations of others, without them ever knowing there was an expectation. Many of our expectation come from stereotyoes around roles and labels. As I grew up, I realized I had an expectation that my parents should be like the people I saw on TV. The TV was the role model of good and perfect parents. Understandably, my parents did not live up to that role model. It took me a long time to realize those were false expectations I put on someone else. My parents, like most parents, did the best the could with what they knew. And since I survived childhood, something was done right. Now I need to look at my expectations of me, instead of them.

This brings up a really good point as well, the expectations I have of me. Did I take what was role modeled on TV as a “good” life or being successful or fill in the blank and developed the expectations for my life? And it is not just TV; magazines, books, other social media. Often we can look at those and say “I don’t measure up!” Maybe you are measuring yourself by something that is not even real. And if we expect ourselves to be that, then when we are not, we get upset with ourselves. That can result in a lot of different things, from hating ourselves, punishing ourselves to wanting to die. What if we started looking at what we expect of ourselves and what we base that on. I know for me; my size is one area where I thought I should look a certain way. All my doctors told me. The fashion designers told me because the clothes I got to wear were ugly and old. Now that has gotten better, and it can still be a struggle sometimes. Kids where the ones who really let me know that I did not measure up. A false expectation based on a perceived way of how people are supposed to look. And you may be saying, but people need to be healthy and skinny is healthier. That is not true. Healthy and skinny are not the same thing. The message we were actually given is that skinnier is more beautiful, more attractive, somehow better than non-skinny people. People can be larger and still be healthy. What if I changed my expectation from being skinnier to an expectation of making better food choices and accepting myself the way I am, rather than who I am told to be. Trashing the expectation that I need to be skinny to fit in and be beautiful, then I can expect me to be the best me I can be.

As you can see expectations are one of those things that takes a lot of introspection. We will never rid ourselves of expectations. It is like the air we breathe, which we always expect we will be able to do. It is a tool to use though, when upset happens. Looking at what we expected or what someone else might have expected from us, gives us room to dispel the upset. Dispelling the upset is good for our body and can keep us from developing high blood pressure among many other stress disorders.

Expectations are at the essence of what humans do. Maybe it is time for us to challenge some of those expectations which don’t empower us. I expect you will know what I mean!

In Me I Trust

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Sun, 01 Aug 2021 16:19:47 GMT

From Prosumer News 07.2021 Issue

I know, the saying is “In God we Trust” and while that might be true, I have found that trusting in me is just as important as trusting in God, or whoever your higher power is. Why do I say this?

We had a wonderful Prosumer meeting on self-responsibility and hopefully you attended one of the discussions. I learned as we were discussing that many of us, who want to be responsible, have been conditioned to not trust what our heads say. From the beginning of my treatment, I was told not to trust my thoughts; not to trust my instincts and not to trust my impulses. I was told my head did not work like “normal” people. I needed to always assume that what my head was telling me was not correct.

With that type of conditioning, how can a person start to believe in themselves and to trust their perceptions? How does a person begin to take responsibility of their life when this message goes against everything we have been told? How does a person find recovery without first learning to trust themselves?

We could have spent a whole other Prosumer meeting just talking about trust. As I explored this within myself, I realized trust came hard for me. So conditioned to not trusting myself, I doubted everything I did. I doubted everything I thought. I doubted even everything I heard. I had no confidence in me or my thought process. Some people took advantage of this and stole from me saying I had said one thing when I hadn’t and then said, “Well you know with your illness, you just don’t remember.”

Years later I asked them about this, and they admitted they had taken advantage of me because they could. I feel like there are many of us who are victims of people who take advantage of our self doubt. I told the person that besides stealing from me, they set me back further from finding recovery because it made me question my reality and thought there was something wrong with me.

I slowly began to trust myself by checking things out with other people. Did you hear that? Did that sound odd to you? I was thinking _____, what do you think? All of these helped me to begin trusting my instincts and my thought processes. I did discover that when explaining something, I often start in the middle. So often you will hear me ask, “Did that make sense?” just to ensure that I am being clear.

I think of one of the times when I really realized trust was an issue was during a really busy time and I was supposed to be at the Capitol to testify. As I left for the Capitol and was sitting in Austin traffic, I had the thought, “Did I lock my door?’ As I thought about it more, I thought, “Did I even close my door?” For the life of me, I could not remember. I thought about my door being open and people coming in and taking all my stuff and began breathing more heavily. I had to know. I got out of the traffic and headed home to check my door. I got back to my apartment and the door was closed and it was locked. I unlocked it and threw away some trash and got back in my car to get to the Capitol. I hadn’t even gotten out of the parking lot when I had the thought again, “Did I lock the door? Did I close the door this time?” I had to turn around to go check.

For a period of about six months, this plagued me. I doubted myself every time I left my apartment. Because of this doubt, I was distracted from doing my work. I was distracted driving. Anna helped me to start doing something different. When I closed and locked the door, then I knocked on it. That worked sometimes, but doubt still crept in. So, then I took to calling her whenever I would leave saying “The door is closed and locked”. That helped a lot and eventually I could just text her that message. Eventually, I began to trust myself again and no longer need to do these actions. This did show me how easily we can fall into not trusting ourselves or our actions. Even today if I think, “Did I____?” I know I can slip back down that path of not trusting me or my head. If you do not have an Anna, text or call yourself. This just gives your head confirmation of the actions you took.

Trusting yourself is not easy and if you have been in the system a while, this can be even more difficult. I know there are people who will read this and say, “Yeah but when I am thinking I am done with life, I truly am not thinking well and should not trust my thoughts.” That is a valid argument. However, consider if you trusted yourself to make it though whatever is happening to you that would have you think that you are done with life, then you would not have your head going back to an old coping strategy which, as maladaptive as it may be, helped you survive. Because we don’t trust ourselves to survive again, we bring back those old ways of thinking. Consider, it is not that your head is not thinking well, it could be that you don’t trust yourselves to have the resilience to get through what is happening in the moment.

Ok, Janet, but what about when my head is saying things like people are following me or some of the other really weird things, I think? Truly you are not saying I am thinking right in those instances. If I am having those weird thoughts or realize this might not be the way other people would interpret what I am experiencing, then I would seek out a trusted person who I could bounce those thoughts around with. Trusting yourself to take care of you even when you are concerned, I believe, would have you not go off the rails. We all have weird thoughts and only when we get caught in doubting ourselves can those thoughts take over and send our life spiraling out of control. Trust yourself and when you have a doubt, check it out. Do some reality checking with a trusted person. Trust yourself to be the person you were born to be. Trust in your ability to make life better for other people, for the community and for the world. For when we trust in us, we develop that sense of being worthy of respect and living with integrity. Trust is the basis for all those things people in recovery strive for. Developing that sense of trust will have you begin a journey of discovery. You may find life going better than you ever thought possible. So today, say “In me, I trust!” then have your life align with this philosophy. Your life will thank you.

Finding My Voice

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Tue, 25 May 2021 18:56:53 GMT

My Voice, My Freedom!

I do not know about you, but I am having lots of issues with everything going on in the world today. Between the politics, COVID, food shortages, job insecurity, housing insecurity; there is just a lot going on. And most of it could seem overwhelming. I believe my feeling of “no control” in all of this adds to the sense of it all being overwhelming. There is not a lot I can do to change any of these issues. I believe a lot of people participated in protests because of their frustration with policing and politics, and also because of all of the other things happening in our world.

While this may be true, it behooves us to remember, while we have no control over what happens in the world or control over other people, we do have control over our reaction to the world and other people. We can become angry and yell, or worse. What does that provide for us? Has anything changed because of that anger? Probably not. Did you feel better after getting angry? Maybe, maybe not. Most likely you eventually became angry at yourself for getting angry. Also, if you did something while angry that was unintended, you may find yourself wishing you had done something different. I know most of us have experienced this. I remember getting angry at my boyfriend and throwing a cup. It struck the top of his walnut speaker, putting a gash in it. Instantly, I was mortified. These speakers were his pride and joy. He took such good care of them including polishing them using real walnuts to oil the wood. I thought I was in big trouble, yet he was very kind, which made me feel even worse.

In every situation, we have a choice. It may not seem like much of a choice, but we still have one. When feeling out of control, our human reaction is to hold on and control whatever we can. This looks a lot like us making unfair demands on other people, being intolerant, and a whole lot of blaming (if you had only done…, or why didn’t you….) While it may temporarily feel good controlling something else, the thing you are feeling out of control with is going to continue. Also, you can damage a lot of relationships when feeling out of control, not to mention breaking or damaging things you really don’t want to break or damage.

To choose better reactions it works to let go of what you can’t control, and do something about those things you can. It is the Serenity Prayer and it works. There is a saying in physics, “What you resist, persists.” It seems counterintuitive, but if we can accept we have no power over the event or person, we actually gain control over ourselves. Let me give you a real time example. A person was determined that Prosumers would not be successful. She had a lot of power and did everything she could to end our organization. Since we did not have any control over her or her influence, we lost a lot of our resources. What we did have control over was our focus on our mission and the scale of our operation. We downsized and stayed afloat. We also started looking at other ways of finding resources for Prosumers. That was back in 2012 and we are going stronger than ever today. I might even say thank you to her today. I don’t know if we would have been as ambitious if she had not used her influence.

All I am saying, in this world where it might seem you have no control, you do. You have control over you. You have a choice in your reaction to feeling powerless due to outside events or people. Say the Serenity Prayer and ask yourself, “Do I have any control over this?” If the answer is no, then look to see how you can chose a reaction that benefits you and puts you in action to make a difference in the things you can control, because you can. Learn this and you turbo charge your recovery journey.

Pinball Life

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Fri, 23 Apr 2021 21:30:11 GMT

This is how a lot of us live life!

In life, many things can happen to us. Whether we realize it or not, we make choices around those things. Often it feels like we are in a big pinball game. Life pulls back the lever and hits us out into the world. We go sailing off until we encounter a barrier. Upon hitting the barrier and gaining valuable life experience points, we are propelled in another direction until again we hit a barrier and gain more life experience points. This process often feels like we have no control over what comes next. I remember telling myself “Just keep putting one foot in front of the other” not even considering I could change the trajectory. I thought I just need to keep moving and then life happens again. I once again am on a different path, headed in another direction.

Putting this in real terms, consider it starts when we are very young. Our first “barriers” are usually parents telling us what not to do. Sometimes we react by doing again and being told not to, sometimes we choose not to do it again and go on to the next thing. Each time we are learning valuable lessons.

I remember I had befriended a cat who lived in the open field next to my family’s apartment building. One day coming home from school, I stopped to pet my cat. For some unknown reason, she bit me. A life moment. I reacted and ran home. However, I did not tell my mom as she had told me not to play with that cat. She had tales of rabies shots and how much they hurt as they put these shots in your belly. So, I waited to see if I would start foaming at the mouth and what I would do next. To this day I cannot stand to be bitten by a pet. It was a betrayal on so many levels. Feeling unloved, I gave my love to this stray cat who then bit me. A love lost. I had to hide I was bit so I would not get in trouble with my mother and I had to worry about getting rabies. I was hurt, mentally and physically and scared of what would happen next. While this all seemed out of my control, I was making choices, even if they were not good choices.

I use this example because most of us live a pinball life. Life happens, we react and create a plan not to hit that barrier again. This is what survival looks like. Avoid those things which cause pain. A person you like breaks your heart and you decide never to give your full heart again. An unkind word has you judging someone while beating up and doubting yourself. An unkind word, while you are just as unkind back, can steer you away from doing things you love or taking a risk in life. A rejection from a job or college can have us feel worthless while we rage at the organization or institution who rejected us. You may decide to not count on an organization or institution or apply with a greater degree of skepticism.

We were made to survive life. How do we survive? By protecting ourselves from the pain. While this is what we were created to do, just surviving is not enough. Survival is not happy. Survival is not joy. There really is no survival in happiness and joy. When we are just surviving, we often do not see what is available to us. I often tell people who were traumatized at a young age, that ABCs and 123s are not paramount to survival. Of course, they did not learn those things. How could they? They were working on ways to protect themselves from physical, emotional, or sexual danger. Often because of this, people grow to think of themselves as stupid. Education does not equal survival, but it does equal thriving. Just because you did not learn it when you were surviving, you can now. You have survived. You are capable. Will it be harder? Probably. Is it worth it? Definitely!

When we begin to determine our path in life, and not just rebounding, we become the masters and creators of our life. When we become the masters, we take on thriving instead of surviving. The joy and happiness from thriving, while not useful in survival, is useful in us seeing the world and ourselves in a different way. By directing our life, we can have our world work for us. We will never stop life events from happening. We will never make all people kind. We will never stop having our heart broken. Yet in directing our life, we do not have to let those events take us down for long periods of time or make us doubt who we are as a person. We can choose our path by choosing our reaction. You survived. Congratulations! Many people who have gone through what you have gone through would not have survived. You are the lucky one! Now that you have survived, begin to work on thriving. Living a life you love. Doing what you thought was impossible for you. Finding all the happiness and joy in life waiting for you to claim. It is a matter of choice.

Where is Your Future

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Wed, 18 Sep 2019 17:57:52 GMT

Words matter. How we language things makes a huge difference on how it affects us and what it makes possible

If you were to ask most people, they would tell you that the past is behind them and they are facing the future. There is a small tribe that I heard of who says just the opposite. They say they can see their past so it is in front of them and the future can't be seen so it is behind them.

I thought this interesting but not much more until late one night I started to think about this. And it struck me. They are so right.

If we work to forget our past, just put it behind us, we could be doomed to repeat it. That was an interesting thought. Then I thought, my past, the good, the bad, the ugly and the wonderful, sculpted me to be who I am. If I forget or reject that, is it not dishonoring myself?

Then I thought about the future being behind me. How did this fit into my way of seeing life? I always work with folks to have them move towards their dreams and hopes. That is in front of them. Then the thought occurred, dreams are in the future, they are not the future. In fact, if you try to plan your dreams, you can miss excellent opportunities to carry your dream forward simply because it does not look like what you thought. If you use every moment to fulfill on your dream, the path can open in ways you never thought of. That is when the next thought landed. If we keep our future in front of us, we limit our dreams. By insisting future is in front, we narrow what is possible for our lives.

Excited by this realization, and a new tool for people to use to live fulfilled lives, I realized I am so very grateful for the way my mind works and that I can share it with you.

I know language matters and I believe adjusting our thinking will open new doors and paths for us all.

Mental Alignment

Sun, 19 May 2019 20:14:45 GMT

Mental Alignment is when your values match up to your actions. Whenever you act in a way which does not match what you value, you put yourself out of alignment. A person out of alignment, never feels good and life just doesn’t go right.

How this works is those things we value, our ethical standards, serves as a foundation for our moral compass. When our actions violate these standards, our body has a reaction which is disempowering. This can start off small, with minor things that “don’t seem really bad” such as doing something a friend asks you to do. I had a friend who asked me not to talk about an issue which involved other people. I was hesitant, and I understood why she was asking. The reasons given seemed logical and well meaning. I agreed not to say anything. However, this was a violation of my ethical standard I have set for myself. This grew into other violations – all of which I agreed to – and served to put me further out of alignment with myself. I began to withdraw from people. I started avoiding life and those I had a responsibility towards. Finally, my life had become so dis-empowered, I knew I must do something. I did. I took responsibility for my inaction, confessed to those to whom I had failed in my duty to them and offered a corrective course. Immediately, I began to feel freer than I had in a long time. While I was afraid of the reaction of those I had not been truthful with, I had put myself back in alignment. I had taken back my power.

Keeping yourself aligned to your moral compass is critical for all to be free. When we live in conflict with our moral compass, those standards we develop for ourselves to guide us, life just doesn’t go well. This can leave us feeling un-energized, sad, out of sorts, lethargic or just the opposite, moving too fast, angry, or out of control. Out of alignment always equals life not going well. The things which put us out of alignment may seem insignificant, at least at first, but it will grow with time and in intensity.

To put yourself back into alignment takes work, sometimes very difficult work. You may need to apologize, confess or make amends for whatever action or inaction you took which was against your own moral standards.

If your life is not going the way you want it to go, perhaps it is time to sit down, do some work to look to see if and where you are out of alignment with your values. This may take some work for most of us don’t tend to think of their ethical standards. If you haven’t thought of it, this may be the first step. Then looking to see where you became out of alignment with those standards. Once you know what this is, then it is time to do the work to put yourself back into alignment. This is a lot of work, but it is some of the best work you will ever do. The incredible freedom you feel when your aligned is extraordinary. I am glad I am back to being me!!

Treasure on Oak Island

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Mon, 21 Jan 2019 18:50:51 GMT

I have been watching the History Channel and in particular, the Curse of Oak Island. If you have not seen the show, it is about two brothers, Rick and Marty Lagina. Rick read the story about the treasure on Oak Island as a kid. At that time, finding the treasure became a passion for Rick. Marty started off as not a big believer in treasure, but he believes in his brother. When the opportunity arose around Oak Island, Marty and Rick began following Rick’s dream and his passion.

What I fell in love with is the apparent love between the brothers. I come from a family where we were not a tight knit family, to say the least. And most of the people I know do not come from tight knit families. I thought those were things only found on TV shows. Yet in this show, the love between the two brothers is so visible. And that love extends to all the people who become part of the Oak Island family. The show is so much more than finding treasure. It is about uncovering history, finding the story and about supporting each other in the search of the mysteries of Oak Island.

In many ways, Prosumers is the same for me. Prosumers search for the treasure in people. Often it is well hidden and buried deep inside. Yet knowing the treasure is there, I keep searching for the treasure, when I am allowed. Some people don’t want to uncover their treasure within. That is their choice. I know it is there and in some small way, I hope at some time they chose to have the treasure within them uncovered. For those who allow me to search, I find the most exquisite sample of humanity. When those precious nuggets are uncovered, my extended family becomes larger.

I am grateful for the “Curse of Oak Island” as I see how families and life can be. I also love seeing people following their passion, for it is truly the best treasure in life. While I hope the Ligina brothers find the “treasure” they are looking for, I believe they have found all the treasure in the world between themselves and the people who have joined with the family. For while coins and jewels are nice, the best treasure is found within.

Happy Holidays

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Wed, 05 Dec 2018 22:53:34 GMT

Prosumers end the year by looking to heal the world

Here is a picture of the Prosumer leadership who were joined by other Prosumers. We also were joined by the President of the World Federation for Mental Health (WFMH), Alberto Trimboli and his wife Silvia. Prosumers attended the WFMH International Trauma Summit in Houston at the end of November. The Summit had 12 countries represented as we worked to develop a Call to Action for governments and non-governmental agencies in the area of trauma. While the report is still being written, some interesting things did arise. Two of the Prosumers found that their area of concern now expanded beyond Texas Borders. They now know people in Uganda, India and South Africa. This shows an area where Prosumers needs to expand their thinking to reach beyond our little corner of the world.

There was a lot of great discussion around all types of trauma, natural and man made. There were a lot of survivors of trauma who wanted to be heard. By expressing what they had been through, we can now look how to stop some of that from happening. An interesting development were the number of people who had been traumatized or re-traumatized by professionals. There were some over generalization about professionals, and some took exception to this. While it is hard to hear of people being hurt; we must validate peoples experiences. It is up to every professional to find ways of stopping this from happening within their profession.

Now is the time for everyone to look to see what we can do to eliminate trauma wherever possible. It is all of our calling as citizens of this world, to stop trauma where we can, to help heal those who have suffered a trauma and to prevent trauma from happening at all. Standing together with the other citizens of the world, we can and will start affecting the trauma in our world.

Using Your Voice

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Mon, 08 Oct 2018 00:16:39 GMT

Your vote counts

Calling all Prosumers,

There are many things happening in government today. Whether you like what is happening or not, the only way to have a voice is to vote. Many times we feel acted upon or if we have no voice in what happens to us or to our world. As we gain in all our recovery, we must use our voices to ensure our world is a better place, a safer place, a more just place.

A Prosumer and a friend of mine wrote this editorial and it truly speaks to what recovery and a living a full life means. I asked for her permission to print this and she agreed. Thank you Carolyn for your wisdom.

Carolyn Rich editorial

The most important thing we can do now, and the only way to have a voice in what's going on, is to vote. I am going to make sure that I get that vote in so I'm voting early, on October 22nd. What if, on Election Day I'm not feeling well, or it's flooding, or my car won't start, or I finally have that nervous breakdown I can feel coming on. I'm taking no chances!

Also:

Please don't fail to vote. Don't let bad weather, or not feeling good, or "I have too much to do", or "I'll vote tomorrow", or, the worst one of all, "My vote won't count so why bother" stop you. Get up, go out to the car or get on a bus, get to the polls and VOTE. Your vote is your voice, your voice is important so use it. Please!

It's guaranteed that the only time your vote really doesn't count is when you don't cast it. It's true that your candidate might not win, but that didn't mean you didn't have a say. VOTE. Please

Well said Carolyn, well said!!

Learning to be Positive

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Sun, 12 Aug 2018 19:12:17 GMT

Sounds simple right? I will be positive instead of negative and then life happens. You find yourself swimming in the negativity again. It seems to happen out of nowhere and you are once more back to your old self.

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale has been a best seller since it was written in 1952. We have known for a long time that how we structure our worldview matters and dictates how we see the world. This in turn impacts the choices we make and our ability to achieve our dreams. In 1954, Abraham Maslow wrote: “The science of psychology has been far more successful on the negative than on the positive side; it has revealed to us much about man’s shortcomings, his illnesses, his sins, but little about his potentialities, his virtues, his achievable aspirations, or his psychological height.”

What could happen if we focused on what we are able to accomplish, on dreaming and taking actions toward those dreams? What could happen if we realized life will life us and we have a say in the way we choose to be with what happens?

Being positive is not putting a positive spin on everything that happens. It is not being happy all of the time, nor is it denying our feelings. By allowing ourselves to mourn losses, get angry when hurt or feeling wronged is part of being human. Being positive does mean we don’t have to stayin those states for very long and we can continue moving ahead toward our dreams.

Many of us have had experiences which resulted in feelings of helplessness and victimhood. We develop a reluctance to attempt new things and begin to convince ourselves that we are not capable of living powerful and successful lives. This becomes our self-fulfilling prophesy and we will ensure that we stay in that victim role. Some of us master this roll to the extent that we go around convincing people that we are incapable, needy, lacking in intelligence, and incapable of fulfilling our own needs; much less reach our dreams. It is like we develop a false sense of incompetence and then live like it is real.

This process is made worse by our culture which teaches us not to be prideful of ourselves and knowing our strengths and talking about them is bragging. There is a big difference between bragging and feeling good about ourselves and who we are.

When we have a survival narrative, a view of the world in which the goal is to survive, we tend to look for things in our world that are threats to our survival. We see the world as a place full of threats and us as inadequate to meet them. Additionally, we judge ourselves with standards and measuring sticks we would not apply to another human being and we will always fall short.

When this is the world we swim in we do not notice anything else. We become wired to find evidence in our surroundings for our point of view. We have a filter that will filter out anything that will contradict what we think we know as true; that the world is a certain way, that other people are a certain way, and that we are a certain way. We have difficulty seeing that life could be any other way. This process is so powerful that we completely miss opportunities to have dreams and reach them. When we do see something that lights us up, like a possible job that would be perfect for us, we will talk ourselves out of applying for the job. We have all the reasons in the world why it is not a good idea.

Another phenomenon that goes with our filter is that we think that if something goes well for us it is a fluke, and if it goes bad then it was because we caused it, or we are the victim of someone/something. When we do well or dare to apply for that perfect job, or go after that dream, we feel like imposters and that we will be found out at any time. We are always afraid we will get caught while never realizing we are accomplishing more than we ever dreamt of.

What we are talking about in learning to be positive is a paradigm shift, a new filter through which we see the world. An ability to see opportunities where we did not see them before. The ability of experiencing ourselves as capable, powerful, gifted; able to dream and take actions to fulfill our dreams. We are able to see opportunity all around us as we make our own opportunities. We realize we are not a fraud and that we really can achieve the things we say we can.

When we dare to make a shift in our view of ourselves, the world around us changes. When we see opportunity where we used to see problems and barriers, we approach the situation differently. The way we think about it, the way we act, the amount of effort and time we put in to achieving what we want changes. We do not put a lot of effort and time in to complaining and wishing things were different because those thoughts and actions are inconsistent with opportunities.

Ultimately, we are out to dislodge our core belief that we are not good enough. We have to consciously and intentionally alter what we look for, listen for, and seek out as experiences in our lives. Affirmations help when we keep them simple and credible. Affirmations use only language that propels us forward and never moving away from something. So, an affirmation would never be “Today I know I am not stupid”. That just keeps me focusing on the idea that I am stupid. An affirmation is grounded in strength and what is working well, or we can be proud of: “Today I create opportunities from any circumstance.”

Learning to be positive is like learning any new skill, it takes practice over time. Another great practice is to set a timer on your phone to go off every hour and when it goes off, ask yourself what you experience in the moment that lights you up. It can be that you see a bird or a squirrel, it can be that you realize you got a lot accomplished in the last hour, it can be that you like the clothes you are wearing. Just get in the habit of finding something that went well in the last hour.

Another positive habit to get in to is to start your day by asking yourself what do you like about your life? Come up with something new each day. Doing this and the other practices mentioned above, people will begin to see subtle changes in their lives. You will begin to see opportunities, you may not feel tired all of the time, and life may even seem a bit brighter.

Prosumers and Bamboo

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Tue, 31 Jul 2018 01:19:15 GMT

Why is bamboo a logo for Prosumers?

I have had people ask why bamboo is a symbol for Prosumers. Interestingly, there are many reasons. For one, bamboo is almost universally thought of as a sign of good luck and friendship. This is exactly what we want people to feel from the Prosumers.

Also, it has been noted when times are tough and there is no water, a bamboo can stay dormant for years and then upon getting some water, the plant grows at an incredible pace. This reminds me of the journey many Prosumers have had. They come upon hard times where there is no growth and then someone introduces Recovery. The next thing you know, they are working, going back to school and living their dreams. This is a Prosumer.

Bamboo is a green and renewable plant used for flooring, food and so many things. Like bamboo, we are so multi-talented and can do so many things.

Some cultures think the beginning of life came from bamboo and some in the Prosumer Program think their life began at Prosumers as well.

All and all, the bamboo is a great symbol for Prosumers. It is strong, beautiful and yet flexible, able to bend. When looking for our logo, I thought this is a perfect symbol of the life of someone in Recovery. And so today, it represents who we are and what we do!

Trying New Things

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Tue, 29 May 2018 17:30:49 GMT

What are you waiting for?

Yes you are seeing right! That is Anna piloting an airplane. She is taking flying lessons, something she has wanted to do since she was a little girl.
Why do we wait so long to follow our dreams. Think of the excuses we tell ourselves. Too busy, too poor, too old, too young, too FILL IN THE BLANK! We all have those blanks which are excuses for not doing the things we want to do. Yeah you have circumstances and I would probably agree with you that it does not make sense at this time. And by that "time" comes, you will have another reason to put off your dreams. I am as bad as anyone. I have 9 books outlined and yet I have not taking the time to flesh them out and put them into print. It has been at least 7 years. What am I waiting for? You know! All those blanks which fill our world.
If you are young and reading this, you may think you have time. Time passes so quickly that as you turn 60 you wonder how did that happen? If you are older, you understand how absolutely quickly life passes and there are always circumstances in life which make following our dream seem far fetched and unrealistic.
Yet when we take a moment to begin following our dreams, we begin seeing life in a new way. We begin to see possibility in life and start living with the possibility and not the reasons of life. You could say, you start living life unreasonably!! Find Life, Follow your Dreams!

March for Happiness!!

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Sun, 18 Mar 2018 04:28:05 GMT

March 20th is International Day of Happiness!

Happy Pictures Posted!! Go to Events and choose International Day of Happiness. Looking at the page, I just get happy! We are still taking pictures, so fill out the form and Show Us Your Happy!!

International Day of Happiness is an idea which Prosumers hope catches on. While at times it can be tough to be happy, many times we are not happy because we don't even think about being happy. Think of the last time you woke up, excited about life and what it has to offer. Remember the last time you realized you were grumbling about what you didn't have, then turned it around by changing your focus and be thankful for what you do have. When was the last time you choose to be happy instead of right? Happiness takes practice and the more practice we do, the easier happiness becomes.

I was talking to a friend tonight and remembering when I went to her families Christmas Holiday. They were so nice and I found myself smiling so much, that my face literally hurt! I had not smiled that much EVER in my life. Then I accidentally hit a sconce and it fell to the floor, shattering in a million pieces. I was mortified. Now they were going to hate me. My friend's brother, kindly said, "That is ok. Didn't like them that much anyway." Then he took the other sconce off the wall and broke it as well. I had never felt so cherished, forgiven and loved. I began to learn that life could be different. Not all people were looking for a reason to hurt you. What a world we would have today, if everyone were so kind.

Happiness takes practice and sometimes the practice is just to know, it is possible! SMILE!!

Lunar Eclipse

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Thu, 01 Feb 2018 03:04:19 GMT

Coming from the shadows

When I learned of the lunar eclipse, I made arrangements to go to the Big Bend area to get some pictures. While the best place to see the eclipse was the west coast, there was a fairly good view from this area.

As I watched the eclipse, I couldn't help but relate to how many of us who have been diagnosed, get pushed into the shadows. Often what we want, think or dream becomes eclipsed by family, MH professionals or even society. And as the moon came to the point where she was coming forth from the shadows, she was "blood" red. I thought, yes we can say we may a bit bloody, but maybe it is more that we are angry. And it is a anger which motivates us to ensure that others don't live in those shadows. We use that experience to help others like us to live a full and happy life. Recovery is Possible!

Prosumers Blog

183:703418182 (Janet Paleo) — Tue, 26 Dec 2017 03:19:53 GMT

Prosumers New Website

I have been asked from time to time to create a blog for Prosumers. Here it is!! As Prosumers continue to grow and create new opportunities for people with lived experience to live full lives, we will post those events here. All Prosumer staff will have the ability to post on the blog about what is going on, how you can participate and also to share the insights they may have.

So while I am sharing, I hope you are enjoying our new website!. We are looking to do some new things in the future. We will be able to share these things in the future right here! Through the generosity of Elsa Roman from our Rio Grande Valley location, our main newsletter is now available in Spanish. You can find it in the Newsletter section and in the archives.

2018 is going to be a great year for Prosumers and we are glad to have you be a part of all we do. If you want to be involved, please contact us and let us know. Volunteering with Prosumers has lots of perks, while helping you develop a job history. Not to mention how wonderful you feel while giving back.

So thank you for checking us out and keeping up to date with all the things we have going on. Have a wonderful day!